Yes, folks, we are back with another edition of “Tweet if Five-Hole”, the article in which I dig through NHL tweets trying to find the best and the brightest for you all to enjoy. Some weeks it is easy to do this. The last two editions of this involved the All-Star game and the Superbowl, both of which were full of good tweets. But the week before the deadline? Well, if there is one thing I have learned it’s that in order to play hockey, you do not need a personality. To give you a brief idea of what 75% of NHL player tweets look like, here is a summary:
- Call someone on your team a beauty. #beauty . I love hockey jargon as much as the next guy, but hockey players REALLY stick to the script on this one. Did you know waffles can be a #beauty? Or a hooker can be a #beauty? Because they can.
- Tweet at your team mate who you are probably looking at in real life while you are tweeting it. Make sure it’s about something mundane. For bonus points, use the word beauty. “Watching @rollerboner24 tape up his stick using white tape, what’s he thinking?? #beauty”
- Thank a team mate for dinner. 30% of NHL player tweets are thanking someone for dinner. “Thanks to @touchmynaughtyBitz32 for dinner! #beauty”
- Yell about “Those ****** at TSN”. Only if you’re Nick Kypreos though. (Click HERE if you don’t get this)
Luckily I found 25% of the tweets that are kind of interesting, so let’s take a look at those instead, shall we?
Ian Cole starts things off strong with what we hope is innuendo. If it’s not innuendo, I do not wish to know who on the team produces this sex wax. #beauty
This is seriously the most entertaining tweet I could find from Logan Couture. I included it to show you just how boring Logan Couture is. And also to serve as a warning to Canucks fans. We don’t want Cody Hodgson on twitter. This is what Cody Hodgson would look like on twitter, I guarantee you. “Just had dinner. Washing my hands now. Water feels a bit too warm.” Nobody wants that. #twitterdoesntneedCody
David Moss finds a unique way of getting help by offering up tickets to a game! The only flaw in his plan? He was offering Flames tickets. Nobody wants those bro. Moss is still waiting for help….
When Twitter goes wrong. Here, Mikael, let me help you out:
When this flashes through your mind before posting a tweet, you might be in trouble. My favorite part was when his punchline explanation was wrong. He went to a completely new level of McBaining a joke.
As promised, only one Paul Bissonette tweet per article (It would be unfair to the others), and this week, I choose a tweet that isn’t necessarily hilarious, but one that I firmly agreed with. I hate that show. Almost as much as I hate Mason Raymond skating the puck out of the zone and back in offside.
Taylor Hall, proving that NHL players are just like real people. Unable to use google.
CANUCKS SUPER MYSTERY TWEETS
And so begins the mystery. Yesterday, Bieksa and Kesler, both of whom know the power of twitter in Vancouver, decided to mess around with a couple of supposed team mates in Slavy_72 and strombone1. We know they are ****ing around because Kes and Bieksa are never this straighforward on twitter. They did use the word #beauty though, to try and trick us into thinking they were serious. It looks like they are trying to bring attention to a couple of team mates who do not wish to be known publicly on twitter, or my theory, they are tweeting at John Garrett and John Shorthouse’s alternate accounts that they use for when they visit strip clubs in Vegas. “Can you put cheese on that? Beauty.”
Regardless, twitter was buzzing yesterday about whose accounts these could be. Theories ranged from slavy_72 being Manny Malholtra (reverse the number 72) and that strombone1 is Luongo (Because of the number 1). Yes, every theory in Vancouver was number based. We are not the most original of people.
That being said, nobody knows who runs the accounts, or if they are even player accounts. It’s nice to know, though, that Bieksa and Kesler are willing to sacrifice team mate anonymity for the sake of entertaining themselves. I can appreciate that. #beauty
This made me laugh, because my name is Wyatt, and I get people calling me all sorts of things. Ryan, White (Darren Pang always calls me White), Dwayne, Dwight, Wiley….Everyday I wake up wondering, “Who am I going to be today?” I am glad Toby understands my pain.
Ha, I enjoy the refreshing honesty and direct approach Wolski has taken on this one. But when you are (supposedly) dating Marta Krupa, I suppose a bad haircut doesn’t matter.
PLEASE NOTE. I had to go to the god awful forums where they talk about NHL players and who they are dating for this tweet. If ever you wanted to see the cesspool of society, these forums would be it. Watch as woman call each other skanks, sluts, and whores, and recoil in horror as people throw out private information and rumors left and right. I feel dirty. I need to shower now. The things I do for you people.
I would make fun of Steven, and I really want to, especially since he’s a Bruin, but when I finish hockey and find a blank phone I do this as well. The trick to fixing this? Get a second cell phone and text yourself. DON’T JUDGE ME.
You know what’s worse than watching that Ryan? Watching you play defense. #Whitney’d
Jamie Benn showing off the kind of insight that is going to get him hired as a TSN analyst one day. “I feel that because they scored more goals, they won this game.” The John Madden school of broadcasting.
Gabriel sounds like a future Canuck to me!
Again, sometimes they write themselves. Matt Duchene explains in two tweets the trade history of Kyle Quincey.
There we go folks, the best of the best this week. Next week I hope to have more insight into the Canucks Super Mystery. Until next time, though, keep your Beauties Beauty, and your Beauty Beauties. #Beauty
